I miss you...I miss me too

This is a very personal one, a bold comeback perhaps, but may help explain a little absence.  This blog has been sitting in ‘My Documents’ now for a little, but Maternal Mental Health week nudged me to hit that ‘post’ button and speak honestly about my experience.  It wasn’t the new responsibilities or the sleepless nights I struggled with, but my self image, the balance of the old me with the new one, unsure of my place and lacking confidence in friendships.  This blog has also been the easiest to write as it is all from the heart and I know that at least one new Mummy out there will relate to so here goes!

Growing up, I was lucky to have the best friendship circle a girl could ask for.  One that spanned throughout primary school and ‘big school’ with the same loyal people with whom we shared many similarities and enough differences to keep it interesting.  Experiencing most of all our ‘firsts’ together, we were there for each other through all stages, from transfer tests to school trips, Saturday jobs, relationships and uni (the list is endless!).

Being the first to go through the pregnancy/birth/parenting stage however was very different.  

The shared excitement for the pregnancy, the curiosity, was flattering. 

I thought pre pregnancy, that I would always stay true to myself, remember the nights out, the ‘friend Nicole,’ the agony aunt, the one who was half decent at GHD curls and tanning your back, the first on the dance floor and first hanging over the toilet bowl post that 2nd shot of Aftershock that I knew I couldn’t hack, but feared missing out.

But the truth is, everything DID change.  Not for the worst and not all permanently.  But enough to shake me up and me second think every move (every text, every night out, every outfit).  Pregnancy is the beginning of this ‘new you.’  Unable to drink alcohol is the obvious one.   You feel not quite as confident, giddy or relaxed as the others, but able to socially join in and being designated taxi driver is a bonus and a baton you will gladly hand over in the future! 

Sickness, exhaustion and the beginnings of that little anxiety devil sitting on your shoulder is what can really hold you back.  Your worries shift and somewhat double with the prospect of another little human that you are already responsible for.  You take the vitamins, try to eat well (keep enough down to avoid another hospital admission) and monitor this baby’s movements.  All with a strong poker face game.  Anyway, you waddle on through (quite literally), pass yourself and give birth to this little bundle of joy that has been as eagerly awaited within your circle as the royal baby.  During that baby bubble period, you are busting to show off your your little bundle and everyone is eager to see, which is the perfect combination.  

In the months following, things become a little foggier, you are attempting survival on less sleep than humanely possible, your measly attempt at a routine restricts your time available to socialise with other humans to even less than what you struggled with previously and you don’t recognise yourself as much anymore, so there goes that little bit of confidence you scraped by with before.  Your google history changes gradually from ‘latest Charlotte Tilbury eye pallet' to ‘how long can breastmilk stay out of the fridge.’

Anxiety and paranoia (strong I know) at times feel overwhelming, you take things to heart that you wouldn't have bat an eyelid at before, you don’t have the energy (or the understanding of yourself at the minute) to fight them out and so you look like you’re no longer making the effort.

There are positives...lots of them!

Meanwhile, your baby is hitting milestones daily, making you literally combust with pride!  This keeps you going!  That tiny human who is half you and half the person you love the most in the world is starting to give back, the smiles, the coos and the giggles.  Although this sudden understanding also means that in time of need, only Mummy’s cuddles will do and they begin to cry (or meltdown) every time you leave the room.  So how could you possibly go on that night out without feeling all the mum guilt known to mankind, or without others thinking you're a bad Mum (that little devil again).  The pre-baby you tells yourself all of the perfectly rationale things you'd expect...'She'll settle fine with her Daddy,' 'she won't even remember,' 'you need some me-time.'  But in your current sleep deprived, newly anxious state, you just don't believe it.

The prep that goes into a night out, the babysitters, the pumping, the endless instructions scribbled down, the bags (nursery) packed up and not to mention the ability to stay awake past 9pm just suddenly doesn't seem worth it.  You say no/make excuses time after time and before you know it, you feel left behind.  This is nobody fault really, there are only so many times you can ask somebody and be turned down and we get that! And we are sorry.  But it is not forever.  

At times, I know what it must look like from the other side; that we’ve left the old us behind, forgotten where we came from, that we think our new life is too important now or that we’ve met all these new mummy friends who we prefer to socialise with.  The reality of this is that we are now off on maternity leave, with free time during the most antisocial hours when everybody else is at work (using the term ‘free time’ in the lightest possible context as there now aren't enough hours in the day even when not working!), we are feeling a bit lonely and like the reassurance seeing how other parents in the same position are managing, comparing tips and feeling slightly relieved that we are not the only ones.

Something’s got to give

The whatsapp groups, the hen parties, the wedding planning and even just the day to day, I didn't have the mental capacity to juggle it alongside all of my new responsibilities and concerns, but I also didn't have the courage to speak up and tell you.  

So as the months and now years have passed, all of the above has gotten easier and slowly but surely, more and more of the pre-parent me is peaking through, but she will never be back in her full glorified form but I am ok with that and hope that you can be too.  I will never forget the fun memories and think of you all on a daily business, stopped in my tracks when I come off with one of your sayings, hear ‘The OC’ soundtrack on the radio, see a pair of shoes in TK Maxx that I know you would die for or even just watching ‘The Hills’ trailer.  Not to mention that warm fuzzy feeling I still get when I see you, like bumping into a long lost sister and the longing for more I have when leaving.  I count myself so lucky to have experienced friendship in this way and no matter what the future holds, I will always be grateful!